I recently did something that is a rare occurrence in my day-to-day life. I went back and watched the entirety of one of my high school shows, specifically my senior year production of Guys and Dolls, in which I had the opportunity to play Sarah Brown. You might be wondering why I felt the need to dig through the archives of my past, which is a valid question. Last month, I was driving to Texas for my big sister’s wedding, and I was listening to whatever musical theatre music my Spotify thought I would enjoy. Out of nowhere, the 2023 London Cast Recording of Guys and Dolls made it onto the queue. I believe it was “Marry the Man Today” that started playing during my drive, and I would normally skip past anything from Guys and Dolls; however, I hadn’t heard this version of the show yet, so I decided to give it a listen for old times’ sake. For the past 3 years, I’ve held a lot of anger and resentment towards that show and that role. I honestly couldn’t listen to any of the music without experiencing those feelings again. Yet while listening to this new interpretation of the song, I felt a wave of nostalgia and longing wash over me. It was such an odd occurrence that I decided to listen to the entire album for the remainder of my drive. This was the first time in a very long time that I let myself reflect on that show and what my life looked like at the time.

The 4 leads; Nathan Detroit, Miss Adelaide, Sarah Brown, and Sky Masterson.

To be honest, high school was a really difficult time in my life, especially when I think back to my senior year. The first word that comes to my head when trying to describe how I felt is isolated. I went to a smaller private high school and pretty much stuck to my core group of theatre friends. I was deeply insecure with who I was, causing me to search for my worth in the only thing I felt was important at the time, my talent for performing. Leading up to my senior show, I created this unrealistic expectation that no matter what, I had to be perfect. To say I was terrified to play Sarah Brown would be an understatement. My entire life, I had been put in this box that I was only good as a dancer, and suddenly I’m cast in a role where dance is the least important element. I was now expected to be this leading lady that people looked up to as the heart of the show. And on top of all of that, I had to navigate some heavy conflict going on behind the scenes in my personal life. I let backstage drama and my own insecurities taint the truly wonderful experience that was Guys and Dolls.

I had just turned 18 when I played Sarah Brown, and at the time, I thought that the two of us couldn’t be more different. I initially believed Sarah to be a frustratingly naive character who had more in common with a Disney princess than a woman of the real world. While revisiting this show, it dawned on me how wrong I was. When I reflect on how much I’ve grown as a woman since that time, I now see so much of myself in the determined and resilient “doll” that is Sarah Brown. In the 3 years that’ve passed since Guys and Dolls, I’ve lived through some scary moments that I never thought I’d experience as a woman barely in her twenties. Those situations made me acknowledge my own strength and grit. Just like how Sarah faced her own problems head on and without fear, I confronted mine with the same resilience. With this new realization in mind, I know how privileged I am to have played such a strong female character like Sarah.

I think what really made this experience special for me was the community. Our director has said for years that there’s something special about our program that you won’t find anywhere else. I don’t think I truly understood what he meant until now because there really is nothing like it. The way that everyone had their own special bond with each other created an environment that truly became family. We would spend our free periods in the blackbox dressing room watching DCC: Making the Team and trying to get our homework done before our next class. During tech week, we would race to our cars to try to see who would be the first one to get to our off-campus theater. And when one of us was having an awful day, everyone would drop whatever they were doing to go and make that person’s day feel a little less impossible. These people saw my best days, my worst days, and all the moments in between. We were each other's biggest cheerleaders, and it's rare nowadays to find a community of people who you know without fail will be there to lift you up. Looking back almost 4 years later, I can say that is something I deeply miss.

I’m currently a junior in college, and I’m closer to being out in the real world than I am to the version of myself who played Sarah Brown. I can’t express how grateful I am not only to have gotten the opportunity to play a strong willed female character during such a formative time in my life, but also to have been able to grow up with a remarkable group of people. The people in that program were the first to believe I have what it takes to have a career in the performing arts. So, all this to say, thank you, Guys and Dolls, for showing me how to be resilient in the face of fear, and for giving me the greatest friends I could've ever asked for. And thank you, Miss Sarah Brown. For everything.

Thank You, Miss Sarah Brown

To Mystic, Love Susan